 The Detroit Lions are the worst losers in the history of human civilization. Period.
I admit I haven’t watched many games this season because after last year’s 6-2 start and cataclysmic collapse, I haven’t been able to stomach watching my dear Lions play. I feel cheated. Why can’t Detroit be like Arizona and turn from a perennially mediocre team into a Super Bowl contender? I don’t know, and apparently no one in the front office has any clue either.
There have been many awful teams in history. For example, the Miami Dolphins of a few years ago. They were bad, but at least their fans could still wear their Tommy Bahama shirts and sip Pina Coladas before going back to their pools and sunbathing away their misery. Detroit in the winter is like Russia all year, cold and depressing. After a Lions game I get to leave Ford Field, hop in my car, and drive home to 30 degrees with a 60% chance of snow. Or, in January, 15 degrees with a 40% chance of a power outage. After getting home I turn on my television and watch the Detroit Pistons beat most of the teams they play except the Celtics. And I get to watch the Detroit Red Wings (Detroit is probably the only American city that still watches hockey) beat everyone. The Lions pale in comparison to these current sport giants. At least every team in Miami is awful, that way the Dolphins of a few years ago at least lived up to expectations.
Another possible argument for world’s greatest loser ever is France. Although not a football team, the only time France has ever won a war is when they were commanded by Napoleon. If Risk was a game where every country lined up and got picked by two captains, say America and China, in a game of world domination, France would be just like the un-athletic WOW addict in 5th grade. Seriously, I would pick Mozambique over France. But, let’s be honest, 0-16, France could probably beat the Lions. At least they will get the first round pick next year. They’ll probably pick another wide receiver that will get injured and be traded within a year. But, it’s the Lions, should I expect anything else?
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