 For my 17th birthday, I had a one or two things on my gift list. A guitar, a couple Xbox games, a new baseball glove, etc.
I figured I would get three or four of these petty gifts, but I had one hidden desire that I didn’t reveal to mom or dad. Something bigger than Halo, a Gibson SG, or even a box of Big 100 bars. What I really wanted was a phat new ride to drive down Main Street and make people say, “Damn that kid and his huge dick.” Is that too much to ask? For this particular middle-class family, yes.
Moving past that personal anecdote, I love cars. Cars are sweet. They’re powerful, slick, and sexy (just like me). A blazing hot ride never fails to turn heads as it roars down the street, indiscriminating spitting game at both men and women. Can we be honest for a second? Who doesn’t get goosebumps when a shiny red Ferrari Enzo cruises past you on the highway? I know I do. Bentley, Ferrari, Rolls Royce, Jaguar… these names make even that coked out rabbit from Alice In Wonderland stop and take a long, envious look. All of these cars are sick, but which is best?
Living up to our reputation of being financially stable, USC does not have a lack of knee-buckling rides. I routinely see 18 to 21 year old kids cruising across campus in a Lamborghini or a Maserati. I’ve even seen, and been in, a black, supercharged, bulletproof Range Rover with a 4 inch lift and an estimated 6 billion watts of sound producing power. I pissed myself.
What does it take to be declared TCM’s greatest automobile? How could anybody pick between the BMW 850, the Audi R8, and the Mercedes SLR 722? Several factors must be taken into consideration when deciding anything as epic as the world’s greatest car. The brand name, look, horsepower, price, shape, rarity, respect, and more are all important things to be thought about. The Aston Martin GT2 is pretty tight, but where would we be without the classic Model T? The Corvette is a staple of American automobile manufacturing, but the Bugatti Veyron can go 253 miles per hour. So, which is the greatest?
Sorry fans of Italian, British, German, and American automobiles, but for TheCollegeMan, Honda is king. The Honda Insight (super hybrid magic gasoline car of retardedness) gets about 800 miles per gallon on the highway, and that turns me on. Clearly, driving all those fancy-schmancy supercars kill Earth. Al Gore told me so. So, loyal readers, stop self-indulging, stop using your hard-earned income in ways that you want, stop finding enjoyment in your cars, and buy shitty hybrids so that environmentalists stop blowing up Hummers. If you feel that I have made a terrible mistake, please feel free to state your own opinion.
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