 I love big people. They are the most caring, generous, and, more often than not, the most hungry people in the world.
A big, cheeky smile from a big, cheeky person warms my heart whenever I am lucky enough to see one. I myself am a skeleton of a man, so I frequently look to my larger friends for the snacks they always seem to have and for protection against wild animals. That being said, who is the greatest fat person? I’ll walk you through the huge thought process I went through to tackle this gigantic question.
At first, Chris Farley popped into my head, but unfortunately longevity is one of the criteria for this title. After Farley, the other great heavyweights started to pop into my head. Queen Latifah? Babe Ruth? Drew Carey? Santa Claus (being real is also a requirement)?! The possibilities seemed endless… and huge. How could anyone choose between Buddha and Meatloaf? To crown a champion, I needed a reference. I watched Celebrity Fit Club, The Biggest Loser, and Flab to Fab. After immense viewing, I realized that those shows didn’t help me make a decision at all. Those shows suck, don’t watch them.
Eventually, I narrowed my choices down to two: President Taft, who needed a special bathtub in the White House because he couldn’t fit in the regular one, and Ralphie May, the once 800 pound standup comedian. But then, like a colossal beam of light shining through storm clouds, the true champion revealed herself to me. And so, TheCollegeMan.com’s Greatest Fat Person title goes to, Rosie O’Donnell. Let’s be honest, Rosie O’Donnell is a beast. A woman as loud as she is gigantic, Rosie is a self-declared “dyke.” She is also an adamant gun-control supporter, yet has a bodyguard who carries a gun. One time she farted and killed a gazelle. PARADE magazine voted her the “Most Annoying Celebrity of 2007.” It’s hard not to respect her huge donations to various charities, but it’s not hard to scoff at her suggestions that the 9/11 attacks were to hide scandalous financial records. There is also some evidence that shows she was the first black man to pilot an aircraft across the Atlantic. It is these qualities and others that cause me to declare, with confidence, Rosie O’Donnell as the Greatest Fat Person. If you feel I have made a terrible mistake, please feel free to express your own opinion.
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