10 headlines we won't be seeing in our lifetimes:

2. Something newsworthy happens in pre-season basketball

3. Rex Grossman asks to see Eli Manning's Super Bowl trophy, fumbles it twice, remembers why he doesn't have one

4. To combat steroid use, MLB to replace wooden bats with Wii remotes

5. Barry Bonds caught being nice, witness still in intensive care

6. Bob Knight to become pre-school teacher after retiring from coaching

7. Kobe Bryant complains of having too much help, demands trade

8. Mike Vick decides to join Cincinati Bengals when his sentence ends, after meeting half the team in jail

9. Dwight Howard banned from future dunk contests for being "too good"

10. Seems clear that NHL may have ended the lockout