Sponsored Links
|
 Host: Coming up next on CNN, our seven panelists debate the 20 different ways the world could end in the next decade.
Hello and welcome back to CNN, today we have seven people all of whom have some permutation of Political Correspondent as their title but besides that minor nicety, are relatively un-notable people who have no hope of ever being George Stephanopoulos (who is so famous his name is in Microsoft Word’s spell-check, there is no way I’d get that right on my first try). Today we are going to be discussing why, if you’re an American, you should probably just go kill yourself at this point because everybody is so incredibly fucked.Panelist 1: That’s right Jim, if you an American go get the noose because we have no hope of getting out of this recession. Panelist 2: Let me tell you. Last night at dinner I was watching CNN and when I saw news of more GM plant closings, I choked on my chicken and nearly died. My wife had to Heimlich maneuver me. The recession almost killed me. Voice of Reason: Wait, haven’t we had recessions throughout our history? I remember the dot-com bust when the Dow fell to 7000 something just eight years ago. Recessions are a natural part of the economic cycle. They come and go. Granted this one is more severe. P1: Jim, who is this crackpot? Is he high? Doesn’t he understand how fucked everybody is? (the rest of panel makes head nods or mumbles incoherent statements of agreement) VOR: No, but recession is a natural occurrence. What is most important is that during this process we don’t overcorrect and end up inflating our currency because that could devalue our currency in the international market after the recession. Or we don’t end up so paranoid of recessions that we create an economy where 10% unemployment is the norm because of strict business regulation. We have to think proactively and only make changes if they’ll have a positive impact on our economy and national well being after the recession. P1: After the recession? After the recession? There isn’t going to be an after the recession! (starts downing Tylenol). P2: Haven’t you read USA Today, Worst Recession since the Great Depression! Shit’s ridiculous out there. Everybody is really fucked. Honestly if you’re watching at home and you just lost your job, seriously, you’re never going to work again. You might as well go punch a midget and cry a lot because pretty soon we’ll have World War 3 over oil, while China and North Korea form a global alliance and battle America. I give the world three weeks to live. VOR: Are you serious? First of all a China-North Korea alliance is not really that plausible at this point politically. And besides— P3: Who is this joker? (all other panelists mumbling in agreement) P4: We can’t ignore the fact we’re seriously fucked. Rush Limbaugh: You’re a racist.VOR: Rush? Who even invited you? Are you paid by the Democratic Party to humiliate small government business Republicans into becoming libertarians? You know what, fuck it. Rush: Abortion is bad! VOR: This has nothing to do with abortion! We’re talking about the economy Rush. Rush: Culture War! Keith Olberman: Bush and Satan. I lay awake at night thinking about who embodies the devil more. VOR: Jesus Christ Olberman, you still have a job? Keith: Sometimes I think Satan with his horns and motorcycle of evil that shoots flames out of the exhaust pipe, but then I think to myself, would Satan have invaded Iraq for to avenge his daddy’s death and bath in oil? I think not good sir, Bush wins. VOR: Does Satan even have a dad? And besides, the Iraq War is part of a much larger geopolitical crisis and likely was used as a fund deterrent for terrorist activities. Keith: Hey Rush, suck my balls! Rush: Hey Keith, go back to sports you sack of shit! VOR: What happened to intellectual discourse in this country? When did everything become a heated marketing gimmick of catch-all phrases?! P5: And you can’t forget about global warming. The financial district in Manhattan will be flooded. P6: What will happen to Mardi Gras when New Orleans floods?!?!?!? P3: Resource Wars! (impales himself) P1: We are FUCKED. Don’t you get it? We are so FUCKED. VOR: Doesn’t anybody realize that by perpetuating this world of dire consequences we are quite possibly worsening the recession by impacting consumer confidence levels, encouraging less spending and deepening our recession by reducing the amount of goods traded in the economy? P1: Douchebag thinks recessions end. Recessions don’t end. They keep going. Forever. VOR: I’m pretty sure they end. Just— P1: No, this recession will never end. Everybody should go start destroying stuff. ANARCHY! Kill everything! The Voice of Reason is shot by a stray crossbow and dies instantly. The bow was unexplainably bought after Panelist 6 watched a news special on how America is losing international competitiveness in science and math. Host: Well, we thank all our panelists (all engaged in a naked and bloody fight while Panelist 1 foams at the mouth). Tune in next to see pictures of Jessica Simpson in jeans. Is she fat? And later on CNN seven panelists debate how much global warming is going to fuck the whole world in the ass. Honey, get the revolver. |