“Get ready Brock Lesnar, the Jonas Brothers are coming for you.”

Those were the closing comments made by Kevin Jonas of the Jonas Brothers during their interview with TheCollegeMan.com. About a week ago, rumors started flying around that the faggy Jonas Brothers were aspiring to become UFC fighters. TheCollegeMan sent reporters to uncover the truth.

TCM correspondents found the three Jonas brothers running on ellipticals at a local Curves fitness center. “I’m going to be honest, I could kick the shit out of any of those UFC pussies” boasted Nicholas Jerry Jonas, a mere 16 years of age and only 125 pounds. “Yesterday I benched the bar with ten pounds on each side. I’ll eat your fucking babies.” 

Upon completion of their 10 minute elliptical run, the Jonas brothers moved on to a recreational Pilates course headed by elementary school teacher Judy Smith. “They are showing marvelous progress. They can actually get halfway through the class now before fainting!”

“Yeah, and I drank a protein shake this morning. That’s 14 grams of protein motha fucka,” said Joseph Jonas, who is regarded by the group as the strongest and most skilled fighter. “I beat up a rowdy fan at one of our last shows. He threatened to call his mommy so I punched him in the balls.” It’s worth noting that the rowdy fan was Tommy Pickles of Rugrats, who recently enrolled in the third grade.  “I fight like a man.”

As of right now, all three of the Jonas Brothers are scheduled to fight within the upcoming months. Joe, who will fight Kimbo Slice, recently sparred with this guy but was knocked out in 15 seconds. “Thong boy threw some cheap shots out there but the ref missed them.” When a TCM representative mentioned that it’s UFC and that there are no ‘cheap shots,’ Joe said this: “Yo man fuck you. Thong boy got lucky. He better not try to fuck with me again or I’ll really give it to him next time. Jonas Brothers rule. Anarchy.”

May God have mercy on their souls.