 In an effort to further increase diversity on the University of Michigan campus Charles Wellington and his group of white friends decided to form the newly minted Michigan Society of White People to help promote acceptance and tolerance of white culture here at the U.
Outlook around campus seems generally positive as many students have now been seen wearing shirts that read “Michigan Anglo-Saxon,” although the group does not focus solely on Anglo-Saxon culture. Wellington said his motivation for founding the group was rooted in his diversity essay that he had to write to be accepted here at the University of Michigan. “I just kept thinking hard about how I was unique. And then it hit me, I am white. That’s fucking awesome. Who else can say that these days?” It’s been a long time since white people have embraced white culture, especially here at Michigan where it has long been popular for white people to celebrate Halloween nearly every day through various Multicultural Activities like Arab dinners and East Asian haiku clubs.
TCM interviewed the token white guy in the Asian dance club and he had this to say, “I think its great white people have finally formed their own club. If I was white, and I’m definitely not, being white is oppressive and mean, but I think I would want to help others understand white culture. As Asians, we really want to teach others about our culture.” Another student, found learning how to correctly hula dance at a Hawaiian appreciation event with “FREE FOOD!” said that since joining the Hawaiian cultural group and dancing with other native Hawaiians he has really gained an appreciation for third world countries. “I think living in America really gives us a skewed worldview and that’s why I decided to attend this seminar. I’ve learned so much about Hawaiian culture and I just feel so enriched. This is way more important than partying and having sex.” Some aren’t so sure. At that same seminar one Hawaiian student said that aforementioned white guy was having trouble learning the hula and was honestly a complete dickhead. “I just wish white people would join Wellington’s group and celebrate their own damn culture. That white guy brought shame to our culture and our inventive use of coconuts as lingerie.” Wellington has made several appeals to the white community to embrace their whiteness once again and stop preying on other peoples’ cultures for self-fulfillment. “I look around and see all these white people doing ridiculous things, stepping with blacks, doing math with Asians, eating curry with Indians, smoking the peace pipe with Native Americans, salsa dancing with Latinos, and I just want to tell them, wouldn’t you rather listen to Backstreet Boys while watching reruns of Seinfeld?”
The local Native American culture group doesn’t know how to deal with white people who insist on attending its meetings. “We formed this group to reminisce about our shared culture and then we have these white people who insist on trying to relate. Relate? Oh, yeah I almost forgot you systematically exterminated our ancestors with smallpox. Your bad.” Another member simply said, “we want white people to respect our ability to celebrate our culture, not actually celebrate our culture with us. They always fuck it up.” I was curious to see what types of events the Society of White People had planned and so I asked Wellington to elaborate on future ideas. “Next year we are planning a Saturday event where we all drink copious amounts of alcohol at 10 am and then go watch a football game.” When I asked him to clarify how watching black players wearing uniforms made by Chinese in a stadium built by Mexicans with tickets bought from a server managed by Indians could classify as a solely white event he simply said, “that’s the great thing about whites, our culture is taking a little from everyone else, distorting it, and claiming it as our own.” And so Wellington’s group offers new hope for a day when whites stop invading other cultures and simply celebrate their own. Only time will tell if Wellington’s efforts prove worthwhile, until then he simply worries about trying to get a little more “breathing room” at the next club bake-off. Said Wellington, “we’re just looking to do a little expanding.”
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