5 P.M: Drink 5-Hour Energy. Chase with a beer, pussy.

5-6:00: Watch 60 Minutes and The Office. Have a snack during ads.

6-6:30: Drive to Boston.

6:31: Change pants. Bathroom breaks are for tired people.

6:32-7:30: Defeat New England Patriots 36-13. Record 7 ½ sacks.

7:45: Car breaks down on drive back to school. Jump it by attaching cables to nipples and dancing.

8:00: Arrive in Hanover. Decide to see whether drinking another 5-Hour Energy would result in 10 total hours of energy, or just a really energetic next 2 hours.

8:01: Neither happens. Become extremely fucking annoying instead.

8:30: Start a fistfight over whether I am actually flying or just running around the halls making whoooooooossssshhh sounds with my mouth.

8:35: Win the fight big. Actually kill a man. Shit.

8:35-9:00: Try to decide what to do with the body. Instead, mutter profanities for about fifteen minutes, then find a Rubik’s cube.

9:00: Good Sam the dead guy. Claim he overdosed on 5-Hour Energies. Chuckle to self at own cleverness.

9:00-9:05:  Do a set of 15,000 pushups while waiting for Safety & Security.

9:05:  For some reason, S&S officer decides to arrest the sweaty, twitching guy standing next to the brutally beaten body.

9:30: Meet a guy in prison exactly like Chris Rock in The Longest Yard. Buy 5-Hour Energy from him.

9:45: Mainline 5-Hour Energy.

10:00: Break out of all-plastic prison cell by mentally extracting lead from the bloodstreams of guards.

Repeat!