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What Makes America America? Read this to find out.
Because what else is an American man going to watch as soon as he wakes up and sucks down a few dozen eggs cooked in bacon grease? The news? Dora the Explorer? No, I want to know why Tiger Woods is still the best golfer in the world and listen to Chris Berman mispronounce TJ Houshmandzadeh on a loop for the first 6 hours of my day. On a side note it is amazing how this show manages to be successful because no single human being has ever watched an entire episode from beginning to end.
2) Victoria’s Secret Catalog Who cares if the majority of the models are Brazilian? Because of good ole’ American ingenuity we can have our women just how we like them, scantily clad and delivered straight to our front door.
3) These guys
From the confederate flag headband, to the chest hair, to the jean overalls, these true American heroes deserve a salute from George Washington himself. The American spirit flows through the veins of the one in such concentration that the figurative “blanket of freedom” has manifested itself in literal from. Sleep safe, true patriot, America will keep you warm.
If you can’t sing it from beginning to end, move to Canada. 5) A&W Root beer Ask an American if they want an A&W Rootbeer float on a hot July day and it is legal to kill them in most states if they decline. Even those who are lactose intolerant are forced to succumb to the all-out deliciousness that is this drink of all true patriots.
6) Fat People
It comes as no surprise that 75% of the population of a country built on apple pie and Ford trucks is overweight and has come to stand as a symbol of obesity and senility to the rest of the world. Unfortunately, we’ve eaten all the apple pie and become too fat to fit into Ford trucks. So next time you get stuck next to the only morbidly obese person on the bus or airplane, instead of looking at them in disgust, thank them for standing as a symbol of our great nation; even if they are too fat to actually stand.
7) FreeCreditReport.com Guys Who better to represent America than those who try to prevent the collapse of the American Dream by reminding us to check our credit score. They are pirates guiding people in a sea of bankruptcy to the promised land. They also serve as role models for all those Somalis as they peacefully left the pirate industry, bought a car, and moved into their parents basement.  8) Soccer Just kidding, but we did beat Spain. USA! USA!
 9) College A mythical place that other countries take seriously and attend for “an education.” It has been rumored that golden beer fountains of Budweiser and MillerLite are commonplace and young adults roam free in search of activities that “feel good physically, but awful morally.” Because what’s a better to way to celebrate America than paying $35,000 a year to drink like the Irish? Answer: nothing. 10) The Army
Because if you mess with Uncle Sam, these guys and girls will kill you for it. Don’t mess with the best.
3.26 Copyright (C) 2008 Compojoom.com / Copyright (C) 2007 Alain Georgette / Copyright (C) 2006 Frantisek Hliva. All rights reserved." |
