 Usually I would feel that this type of subject matter wouldn’t fit TCM’s editorial standards (for a link to our standards click here [insert nonexistent editorial standards]), but given the pressing nature of this finding for college men, I figured I must report the news.
Researchers have found a link between women consuming massive amounts of coffee and reduced breast size. The study, conducted by Swedish researchers who apparently have nothing more important to study than the effect of coffee intake on the size of breasts, concluded that there is some form of genetic link/protein disorder/antidisestablishmentarianism/something biological that I already forgot that affects breast size. This comes as a shock to me personally, because I always thought women go to Starbucks for something other than grossly overpriced double mocha cappuccino latte smoothies. To find that with every sip of that brown, bitter, liquid remedy they were in fact slowly shrinking what lies beneath their shirts is a disappointment. I believe that this may be the great find of my generation. I have already filed a class action lawsuit (not really) against the FDA to enforce stricter regulations on coffee distributors. That’s right Folgers, I’m coming for you.
Now, the validity of the study may be in question. I have not verified this (or attempted to) but it just may be the work of English Tea manufacturers. It is a well known fact that English Tea companies have been suffering over the years and this is just the sort of dastardly tricks those Brits would employ. Hiring Swedish researchers, who have nothing else to do except for having sex and being really blonde, would clearly be all too easy for these Brits to pull off. Mr. Earl Grey of the British Tea Association has claimed no involvement in this issue, but I am not so sure. Upon further investigating I found absolutely no incriminating evidence. But digging deeper, and making up holes in my argument as I pleased, led me to one likely conclusion: instead of actually making tea marketable, these Brits decided to make their competitors equally as unmarketable because they were secretly involved in a side deal with Coca-Cola to force all Americans to begin drink insane amounts of sugar laced caffeine, but I digress. Coffee may be lowering the breast sizes of women across America and I for one say enough is enough with these rogue coffee companies thinking that serving grandes is curing the world. I say we stop drinking coffee gratuitously and start drinking all other beverages gratuitously to make up for it. That way, we would drive ourselves from this potentially society ending drink and begin consuming far too many liquid calories in one day.
In conclusion, coffee shrinks boobs according to Swedes. Your TCM takeaway, never let your girl drink coffee, ever….unless you into that kind of thing, and in that case I have a $20 Starbucks gift card you may be interested in.
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