TCM thought it prudent given the current state of the national economy to give a TCM state of the college man nation. But what started out as a grand socio-economic research project turned into us hiring a bunch of interns who went to schools to “research” and ended up just hooking up with girls. So, we changed our mind and decided to give a State of the College Man Nation focused on girls and partying at colleges across the country. Since the average male conception of female perfection doesn’t go much further than “yay boobs!” we hope you’ll enjoy our multipart tour of collegiate revelry.

Miami (Ohio): We’ll start our tour of college hotness at a much lauded yet often overlooked school in Southern Ohio. Voted Number Two by Playboy a few years ago, girls at Miami have taken their newfound glory to heart. Our intern reported that girls who go to Miami are white, fun loving girls from the suburbs thrown into farm country and eager to please other rich, white, suburban boys. In fact, our intern even got laid (this has been confirmed by multiple sources). On the whole the girls at Miami do mostly live up to the title bestowed upon them by Playboy. They range from “kinda-sorta-If I was drunk” hot to bonafide model. However, the dearth of unattractive females is slightly misleading. The girls do have standards. Some. But they exist. So get your game ready. And even if you go home with girl number six you’ll have a good time.

Central Michigan: Central Michigan? Who would send a paid intern there? Well, the answer is pretty simple. Central is not just Central. It’s all schools like it. Large, state-esque schools where the majority of the American collegiate class could attend. The girls there range from unattractive to extremely hot. You get the full gambit. Mostly white, but big enough of a school for any niche, Central is a great place to spend a weekend. Not only did our intern get laid, he hooked up with three girls at once. Foursome? The stuff of legends. But Central’s loose hook-up prone culture gave him the boost he needed to be upgraded from average dude to Godlike stud. The only requirement for getting laid here is having a penis.

Univ. of Michigan: Michigan proved too much for our intern to handle in just one weekend. He didn’t get laid. However, he reported that other guys were getting laid which begs the question, what kind of interns are we hiring here at TCM? From his stories a pretty clear trend emerges, to get laid often at Michigan you have to play the system. Shouldn’t be a surprise given the fact that the bright young boot-strappers who go there pounded the system hard through high school (not quite as hard as those damn Harvard grads). Nonetheless, hot girls aren’t everywhere and if you go in unprepared you’ll either go home alone or with some “well, fuck it, I don’t know anyone here and she’ll take away the awkwardness. Her tits are alright, I guess” kind of girl. But don’t fret. With 20,000 undergrads there are still enough attractive women to go around. Just find the right parties to go to. That’s really the key. It’s not as easy or instantaneously fun as Central but it can be if you know what you’re doing.

2) Read War and Peace, The Iliad, and The Old Man and the Sea

3) Stay on reasonable schedule, wake up by 1p.m.

4) Help with family chores (they are paying your housing and food)

5) Pick up bitches

6) Learn how to cook at least 3 decent meals for next semester

7) Get tan at the pool

8) Pick up impressive new hobby like guitar or juggling

9) Get first 8 weeks of reading done for fall classes

10) Attend some truly wild parties


Your Summer Reality:

1) Bring your relationship with Bud Light to a new level

2) Watch about 137 law and order episodes

3) Accidentally become nocturnal, piss off mother

4) Forget to take out trash like mother asked

5) Call ex-girlfriend, ask if she justs want to hang out as friends

6) Eat an entire box of Cheese-Its in one sitting

7) Go only 5 minutes of your day without AC ( in between car and destination)

8) Perfect blunt rolling skills

9) Drop Critical Analysis of Chaucer for Intro to Film

10) Your friend's parents leave for one night but everyone else has work in the morning