So I don't go to frats as often as I probably should. The idea sounds good and all, and of course there's never anywhere that would turn me down, but there are a couple of things that are holding me back from all the bros down on Greek Row.

First thing - the cold. It's been hard lately to find the skimpiest thing I own, pair it with the sexiest push-up bra I can find, and then wear a huge overcoat walking to the damn house. What do I do with it when I get there? The houses are always hot as balls, and I'm not really interested in looking like a big grizzly bear while I'm dancing my heart away. No, winter is not a frat house's friend. There are always the incredibly desperate girls looking for anything to do on a Friday night, but who wants to be associated with them? It's much more pleasant to sit back and drink some Grey Goose while I'm nice and warm and yes - still wearing extremely revealing clothes. Hey, if you have the body, why not show it off in the dead of winter?

Second thing - the guys. Now I love the frat guys, but they may or may not need some tips on how to act around girls that aren't from their sister sorority. Let's say there's a really cute girl dancing in the corner that looks a lot like me. Why don't you go over to her and start dancing? (If she's one of the desperate ones, you could ask her where she put her coat.) I'm sure she'd really appreciate if you offered to get her another drink. If she happens to accept your offer, I'd suggest bringing back a beer UNOPENED. Otherwise, you just look like one of the creeps that would do anything to get with a girl, including getting her shitfaced or putting date-rape drugs into her drink. Maybe make a few witty comments about how the basement floor was recently flooded with beer, or something equally self-deprecating about your fraternity. As much as girls appreciate all you do for them there, there's a stigma attached to a frat guy. If you're not going on and on about how much you love your pledge brothers and how every guy on campus should join your frat, it's a good sign.

Like I said before, you should also go up and start dancing with a girl you think is attractive. She'll appreciate that you made the first move but weren't a tool about it, so she'll probably start grinding away. I know I would. But don't make any moves after that - let her decide if she wants more than just a dance. Or again, you will look like that creep. If she's really feeling you - and I mean that in the literal sense - then she will offer to go upstairs, or go elsewhere. Lucky you! However, if your ego is higher than your dance skills and you were refused, don't sulk. That's unattractive. Just pick your next victim and make sure her coat doesn't get in the way of your grinding.

Third thing - the sluts. It's bitch-eat-bitch on the dance floor, and there aren't enough guys for the amount of girls there. As cool as it seems to invite every girl you've ever met to your frat party, it's hell for every person that doesn't have a penis. As good as I look (and I know I do), I'm not going to practically rape you to get attention. If you have a girl in mind, make sure you stay with her for at least most of the night. It's also unattractive to have one girl's tongue in your mouth while your hand is on another girl's ass - and your eyes are someplace different altogether. I really don't have trouble in this department - I actually have to fend the guys off, unfortunately - but for all the other girls you've invited, they would gladly appreciate some undivided attention. 

Once spring comes along, the party scene will be up and hopping once again. No coats! But for real - spring is the start of new beginnings, and who knows how many guys are out there that I could 'get to know'? That answer, my friends, will come soon...

TCM Readers - Meet Candi, our new field correspondent ;-)