 Inspired by a recent piece in a magazine which listed 75 different things a man should do in his life, I decided to write a list of ten things or experiences that any upstanding young man should have already completed before college.
Of course, instead of encouraging my fellow males to expand their horizons like so many wonderful men’s magazines do (Men’s Journal, Men’s Health, Men’s Fitness, Men Quarterly, Men’s Men, Men’s Manful Manlihood), my list will most likely serve only to make readers feel inadequate at their failure to have not completed the direly important items on my list. And for those keeping track, which is the purpose of most lists, for every item not already completed on this list, that counts as a negative point. Without further ado: 10. Realize that top ten lists are almost always finished in about fifteen minutes and written really late at night without any type of editing.
9. Be sucked into a fad that proceeded to consume your life and wallet for about five months. Seven charizards and 56,000 energy cards later, you realize that Pokemon cards are either the greatest business proposition or perhaps the sickest joke. Ever
8. Wear a Speedo. But only to be funny. Don’t ever actually wear a Speedo for its actual purpose because swimming is kind of boring. Lap 57. Lap 963. Oh wait, he is about to finish, how long, two hours, and wait a minute, the crowd is beginning to perk up. Yes, the one person who actually paid to see this is now no longer in a coma, he is just passed out.
7. Watch a movie for two hours only to be extremely frustrated that you will never have those two hours back. Darn you Meet the Spartans! Honestly, nothing was even close to salvageable from that movie. And if one more spoof gets made with random rap interludes that are not funny and have no point whatsoever in the plot……
6. Grossly exaggerate a story. For example, the other day when I was redlining my car, dodging moose, and ogling Jessica Simpson who was sitting next to me, I ended up doing a 360 around a unicorn and through a flaming circle. Wait, you drove to school.
5. Attempt to mix Juicy Juice, orange juice, milk, and Coca-Cola and then stir for five seconds, or the attention span of an eight year-old. Serve chilled and slightly shaken. Immediately spit drink into sink and realize that you just wasted Nicole Ritchie’s daily diet.
4. Super Smash Brothers Tournament for N64. No explanation needed.
3. Do anything at 3:30 am because it’s funny. Riding a bicycle. Excruciatingly boring. Riding a bicycle at 3:30 am. One of the funniest things I’ve ever heard.
2. Baseball. Gratuitous amounts of baseball. With your girlfriend.
1. Trading your charizard for your friend’s squirtle in a speedo after watching Meet the Spartans, while grossly exaggerating a story, drinking Juicy Juice, orange juice, milk, and Coca-Cola mixed together, playing N64 with your feet, on a bicycle, with your girlfriend, and writing a really, really, long and unnecessary run-on sentence. At 3:30 in the morning. Now score yourself on the arbitrary and entirely meaningless grading scale conveniently located below this sentence.
-10 through -6: You’re a terrible person.
-5 through -2: Solid.
-1: You’re my hero.
0: You actually read this far. Thank You.
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